Thursday, May 13, 2010

Hold On

I've decided that this morning i'm going to let my mom be a guest writer on my blog:

Every morning I write. I have a desk that looks out to our backyard. It's not really a desk ... it used to be in my partner's kitchen in her old home ... a tall, light oak colored table that I transformed into my writing desk. I sit on a stool every morning looking out the window into our backyard. Years ago when we still had our precious Shadow (i'm guessing he was some kind of a lab/terrier mix ... a rescue from the streets of Owasso, Oklahoma many years ago -- starving, malnourished, ribs protruding and a major scab over his right ear where his body was healing over a gun shot wound -- a bullet that skimmed his ear, shattered and till the day he died left pieces of lead in his skull) ... sweet Shadow. Shadow used to sneak under the table and place his paws up on the window sill. While I would write he would look out into the back yard. A curiosity and fascination for the squirrels. Something he has passed on to our sweet Mister.

Shadow was a survivor. He was a love bug. He was street smart. And he was an escape artist. We lost our sweet boy to intestinal cancer on July 2, 2007. I was blessed to have 3 weeks with him to say goodbye and build more beautiful memories. We had 3 weeks of doggie hospice. He got to do whatever he wanted to do in those 3 weeks. We went to the parks with Missy ...  he went swimming in the lakes. We ran errands together. And in those 3 weeks I slept downstairs on the couch with him, held him in my arms and let him out every hour or two as he struggled to hang on despite cancer cells spreading in his body. He had good moments and not so good moments. I prayed for him to let me know when it was time to let him go. I let him know that as much as I wanted  him to stay with me, more than anything I did not want him to suffer and I wanted to do what was right for him.

In the early morning of July 2, 2007 he let me know. He burrowed himself in a shallow hole he dug up by the ashes of Splat (my first dog ... my sweet black cocker spaniel), Shen (whom we lost in September, 2006 to spleen cancer - Shen was Shadow's best friend), Cece and Scooter (my partner's dog and cat) ... and a stone that represented a memorial for our beloved animals. It's as if I could hear him say, "It's time."

This morning, i picked up a stone i have on my writing desk, where a native american blessing is engraved. And I found myself hearing Shadow ... I share it with all of you who have lost a loved one .... it's been almost 3 years since Shadow crossed the bridge. I miss you Shadow. I miss Splat, and I miss Shen. Some day we will meet again. For now, I imagine you frolicking up in heaven ... I know you were there welcoming Zappa, and most recently Lacy ... thanks for continuing to bless us with your presence and sprinkling us with your spirit ...

Hold On
To what is good
even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe
even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do
even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life
even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand
even when I have gone away from you.


  1. For shadow,shen, splat and beloved Zappa (Iv posted this before!)
    My Dog -

    He is gone from my life,
    Taking with him all of my heart,
    I want him to be home in my arms,
    So that we can once again,
    Run, talk, and be best friends,

    I want to see his pretty face,
    That stupid look he had when he smiled,
    The ways he got my attention and my love,
    Oh God, I miss my dog,

    Doesn't anyone understand how I feel,
    That by taking my dog away,
    It broke my heart, making me cry and wondering why,
    That my dog had to die,

    Maybe there are reasons that I don't understand,
    That losing my best friend was so hard to do,
    That there will never be anyone or anything to replace our love,
    That only time will make me understand why,
    A tear comes to my eyes when I think of him,
    My dog, my friend, my pal,
    I will never forget you and your love,
    Hoping that you took it with you,
    Into the heavens above,

    That one day I will understand,
    With your help,
    That I will forgive myself for what I did,
    When he decided that you had to go,
    That the day will come when we will once again meet,
    You all wet and standing by my feet,
    A ball in your mouth ready to play,
    Oh God, how I hate this day.

    I really miss you Zappa,

  2. auntie Tara, that's so beautiful. Now you've got mom crying!! :) Some day we will all be together again ... I can see Zappa having a ball up in heaven with Splat, Shen and Shadow ... thanks for posting this on my blog ...

    love, ahnung

  3. Another teary post from Marilou! So touching...thanks for another reminder of what this life is really all about.